Pain and Mental Illness

Steven wrote a poem about pain to go with his insightful painting. I wanted to share my response.

I live with chronic low-grade pain (which I almost spelled "pane.") What color would it be? Muted red, perhaps. On a good day, light pink. Like my mental illness, I'm used to it. Unlike my mental illness, there is never a question that I would get rid of the pain if I were able.

The mental illness has affected the way I think, and I have had it all my life. I sometimes think if it were taken away, I might not know how to deal with the world as a "normal" person. 

Just like some people who have been blind all their lives have trouble navigating the world if by some miracle their sight is restored. I am blind to what it is to be "normal."

I also wanted to respond to Adam's very kind post in which he mentioned my struggles.

I was initially discouraged by the asshattery of other people. Then I overcame that. Now I'm discouraged by the publishing process. It is NOT FUN! It is expensive and time-consuming. It probably doesn't help that I have obsessive-compulsive disorder. I hate being my own publicist. If you can't afford to have a team helping you promote your work, and you don't enjoy doing this sort of shit by yourself, woe betide you.

So, yeah, I don't know if I'll ever publish another book. I'm going to get the one I'm (still) working on out there, but that might be it. I don't expect to get a huge readership for it, not nearly enough to cover the expenses of getting it published. 

And that's currently where I stand.

 

 

 

Take a Break

Why so serious? Take a break from heavy concerns and watch these guys play games. This video is full of funny fails and stuff that would be horrible in real life made hilarious.

If you liked that first one, there's a lot more of the same from the boys. You may find yourself taking breaks all day to watch them crash things and crack beauties. Jokes that is!

What Does Rose Believe?

I call myself a "Mystic Agnostic." I do not resonate with any one particular religion, though I come closest with Buddhism, which really is not a religion but a philosophy. One can be an atheist and a Buddhist. One can be an agnostic Buddhist. One could even be an (open-minded) Christian Buddhist or a Pagan Buddhist. This is what I like about Buddhism.

I want room to explore the possibilities and study various theories. The monotheistic religions certainly don't offer this. Many atheists take a sneering attitude towards anything that is not completely cut and dry belief that there is no soul and dead is dead rather than perhaps transitioned into another form.

Even being a witch didn't work for me as far as participating in a group. I am still a solitary practitioner. The "real" old tyme religion (Wicca/Paganism) has been fairly well usurped by a lot of new-agey types who are as judgmental as the Christians that many of them have tried to distance themselves from. I tried involvement in a coven and various groups myself but found that there were way too many judgmental individuals who believed that their take on polytheism/mysticism was the only way to interpret things. If I wanted to feel that way, I would have stuck with the jolly old Roman Catholic Church! It was very disressing to discover this sad truth about the so-called "open minded" polytheists/mystics.

While I feel that there is no such thing as the supernatural, only natural phenomena that we as of yet have no explanation for, I need to have those possibilities to explore. I don't need to buy into anybody's dogma or interpretation of the Universe. That includes zealot monotheists, the acerbic brand of atheist, and the know it all variety of New Age mystic.

Buddhism gives me a philosophy to guide my life. The rest is open. I want to explore the possibilities of ghosts, gods and goddesses, angels and demons, and all else existence has to offer. I don't believe that existence ends with death, I believe that our energy transforms. Unfortunately it is very difficult to find others with whom to have open-minded discussions about these possibilities.

Boulevard of Broken Dreams
 
I walk a lonely road
The only one I that have ever known
Don't know were it goes
But its home and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Blvd. of broken dreams
Were the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find
Till then I'll walk alone

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line of the edge
And were I walk alone

Read between the lines of what's
Fucked up and every things all right
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone.

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find
Till then I'll walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Blvd. of broken dreams
Were the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

My shadows the only one that walks beside me
My shallow hearts the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find
Till then I'll walk away!

Also, I am a devout Pastafarian

The Top Side of Being a Bottom Feeder

Yes indeed, it is a bottom feeder

Having realized that I will never be famous, well-known, loved, achieve cult fame, be liked, or have an audience of more than...well...myself...is, what? Depressing? Discouraging? Disgusting? 

Well...yes, it is. But it is also very freeing.

I can write what the fuck I want. I don't have to care what group of "Trve Believers" of whatever variety I may piss off. I don't have any followers, hangers-on, or even people who give half a fart what I say. I can be who I am, not who you want me to be.

I'm sure that I'll love my forthcoming series of essays about the hypocrisy of dead celebrity worship. If my other personalities like them too, that's great. If not, I can go fuck myself for all I care.

Snarking my audience: just one of the many questionable services I offer.

Rose LeMort

Anti-Famous Hack Writer

What Dreams May Come--or Will They?

This is a response to a post by Elizabeth about how women often end up putting our dreams on hold for the sake of society/family/convention.

I have huge conflicts about these two things. My work is not my passion, it's a job. I feel guilty about feeling this way, because it's a helper job. I'm a nurse aide who just got her nursing certification and is studying for the NCLEX exam. And while I certainly don't mind helping my son achieve his very important goals by taking him to the community college (I study while he's there) I sometimes feel like I'm always putting my dreams on hold. My dreams are all impractical things, like creative writing and acting. I've always been a creative person but with years of struggling with a mental illness that wasn't diagnosed until I was almost 40, I haven't made much headway and at this point the struggle to get my work recognized seems more terrifying than exhilarating.

Here is another fine post by Elizabeth about complimenting a woman without bringing her looks into it. Good stuff!

Flap over Breastfeeding Baby Doll Ridiculous

The original article is here.

Here's the thing: in the United States, we have this bizarre dichotomy that sexualizes the female breast on one hand and on the other hand decries the function it was created for as "dirty and disgusting." Children the world over play "house" and pretend to be mommies. In other countries, breastfeeding an infant is seen as normal and natural. There is nothing disgusting about nursing a baby and nothing disgusting about a little girl playing "mommy." Perhaps those who think it's disgusting need to check their reasoning. I think its far more disgusting for breasts to be seen as "fun bags," playthings for the titillation of males who have the minds of horny adolescents. I think it's disgusting that women feel the need to alter their natural breasts with outlandish silicone sacks to please this sort of man.
Breasts are first and foremost created to supply nourishment to infants. Humans are mammals. Do the people that find this doll disgusting also find it disgusting when cats nurse their kittens, dogs nurse their pups, or cows, goats, sheep or horses nurse their young?
I had baby dolls and pretended to be a mommy when I was little. I didn't have my baby until I was 25 and married. The reason I initially had sex at 16 had nothing whatsoever to do with playing at being a mommy at a young age and everything to do with wanting to feel loved. My reasoning was erroneous, but it had nothing whatsoever with having seen my mother nurse my younger brother, or playing at being a mommy myself.

Positively 4th Street

Positively 4th Street

You got a lotta nerve
To say you are my friend
When I was down
You just stood there grinning

You got a lotta nerve
To say you got a helping hand to lend
You just want to be on
The side that’s winning

You say I let you down
You know it’s not like that
If you’re so hurt
Why then don’t you show it

You say you lost your faith
But that’s not where it’s at
You had no faith to lose
And you know it

I know the reason
That you talk behind my back
I used to be among the crowd
You’re in with

Do you take me for such a fool
To think I’d make contact
With the one who tries to hide
What he don’t know to begin with

You see me on the street
You always act surprised
You say, “How are you?” “Good luck”
But you don’t mean it

When you know as well as me
You’d rather see me paralyzed
Why don’t you just come out once
And scream it

No, I do not feel that good
When I see the heartbreaks you embrace
If I was a master thief
Perhaps I’d rob them

And now I know you’re dissatisfied
With your position and your place
Don’t you understand
It’s not my problem

I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment
I could be you

Yes, I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
You’d know what a drag it is
To see you

Copyright © 1965 by Warner Bros. Inc.; renewed 1993 by Special Rider Music

I initially usurped Kai's blog to talk about certain backstabbing individuals who thought they put one over on me. I don't really have much of anything to add to that. I just want to dedicate this scathing little tune to them.

Peace,

Rose

Breaking News: Michele Bachmann is a Reactionary Nut Job

Here is Michele's pledge to ruin save the United States. Let's take a look at each of these individually, shall we? Because Aunt Rose can't sleep and needs something to give her a laugh.

The Candidate Vow:Therefore, in any elected or appointed capacity by which I may have the honor of serving our fellow citizens in these United States, I the undersigned do hereby solemnly vow* to honor and to cherish, to defend and to uphold, the Institution of Marriage as only between one man and one woman. I vow* to do so through my:
* Personal fidelity to my spouse.
 Aunt Rose has no problem with this. Aunt Rose happens to like monogamy. Besides, Michele and her husband deserve each other.

* Respect for the marital bonds of others.
 Again, this is good. Aunt Rose does not like sleazy people who hit on other people's mates. Carry on.

* Official fidelity to the U.S. Constitution, supporting the elevation of none but faithful constitutionalists as judges or justices.
 Um....okay.

* Vigorous opposition to any redefinition of the Institution of Marriage - faithful monogamy between one man and one woman - through statutory-, bureaucratic-, or court-imposed recognition of intimate unions which are bigamous, polygamous, polyandrous, same-sex, etc.
 I don't get polyamory, but if all parties are in agreement, then I have nothing to say about it. I just don't want to participate in such a partnership. As for same sex marriage, I really don't get people who are threatened by it. I'm straight. How the hell is a gay couple getting married going to threaten any straight union that I may enter into? If a guy is gay, he isn't going to be interested in me anyway. So really, Michele and others who are threatened by same sex marriage--how does it affect you? What the hell are you worried about?

* Recognition of the overwhelming statistical evidence that married people enjoy better health, better sex, longer lives, greater financial stability, and that children raised by a mother and a father together experience better learning, less addiction, less legal trouble, and less extramarital pregnancy.
 Overwhelming statistical evidence huh? I'd say there is some statistical evidence. But I'm not here to quibble statistics. So--we should all get married even if we don't want to or stay in an unhappy marriage because DAMN IT THIS IS GOING TO MAKE US HAPPY! This makes no fucking sense. I would far rather be single than to be in a bad marriage. 
My son was four when his father and I got divorced. We had joint custody. I would rather not have had to raise my child as a single parent, but the marriage was so deteriorated and all we did was fight even though we had tried counseling. We got along much better as a divorced couple. 
My son has never been in any kind of legal trouble. He has never gotten a girl pregnant. He is now 21 and in school to become a pharmacy tech with an intention of going pre-med thereafter. A divorce wherein the couple remains civil to one another is far healthier than an unhappy marriage. As long as the kids know they're loved by both parents and the parents don't use the kid as a weapon against each other, that's what really counts.
Forcing people to stay in a bad marriage does not work. Keep your rules out of my house, Michele.

* Support for prompt reform of uneconomic, anti-marriage aspects of welfare policy, tax policy, and marital/divorce law, and extended "second chance" or "cooling-off" periods for those seeking a "quickie divorce."
what is this "quickie divorce" of which you speak? Perhaps such a beast exists. Even though my now ex husband and I were not contesting anything and did not involve lawyers, our divorce took a total of a year. I don't mind reforming "anti-marriage" rules on taxes or welfare because I think they're kind of bullshit. 

* Earnest, bona fide legal advocacy for the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) at the federal and state levels.
Bunch of damn, anti-gay, Fundie propaganda. Next.

* Steadfast embrace of a federal Marriage Amendment to the U.S. Constitution which protects the definition of marriage as between one man and one woman in all of the United States.
 She does sound like a broken record. Slag off, you cretin.

* Humane protection of women and the innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy - our next generation of American children - from human trafficking, sexual slavery, seduction into promiscuity, and all forms of pornography and prostitution, infanticide, abortion and other types of coercion or stolen innocence.
 "Innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy." That sounds dirty somehow. Of course I agree with protecting people from human trafficking or sexual slavery. As for "seduction into promiscuity," this is an iffy statement. Coercion of another person into sex is unethical and in some cases is sexual assault. In any case, it's not cool. But some people (like Michele) would take even a monogamous relationship between two unmarried young people as "promiscuity," at least on the part of the female.
People should not be forced into prostitution but I'm on the fence about legalizing prostitution. Of course no underage person should be selling sex. As for adults, I do not think that prostitutes should be charged with a crime. Legalizing prostitution might allow for laws protecting sex workers. That would be a positive thing. Keep in mind, I am not in favor of prostitution on a moral level. But I would like to see sex workers protected.
As for pornography, if it is between consenting adults, it should not be illegal. 
Nobody in their right mind would argue in favor of infanticide. Murder is a crime. As for abortion, there are gray areas. I don't like abortion. But I believe that it needs to remain safe and legal. Look at the Romanian orphans as an example for what happens when abortion is made illegal. A person should be able to obtain abortion on demand during the first trimester. Thereafter, decisions about abortion should be made in partnership with a medical professional. Things do go wrong during pregnancy and there are times when abortion is a medical necessity.

* Support for the enactment of safeguards for all married and unmarried U.S. Military and National Guard personnel, especially our combat troops, from inappropriate same-gender or opposite-gender sexual harassment, adultery or intrusively intimate commingling among attracteds (restrooms, showers, barracks, tents, etc.); plus prompt termination of military policymakers who would expose American wives and daughters to rape or sexual harassment, torture, enslavement or sexual leveraging by the enemy in forward combat roles.
Of course there should be rules safeguarding people from sexual harassment, rape, torture, enslavement, or sexual leveraging. 

* Rejection of Sharia Islam and all other anti-woman, anti-human rights forms of totalitarian control.
 You mean like Fundamentalist Christianity?
I don't like fundamentalist religion of any kind, which would include Sharia Islam.

* Recognition that robust childbearing and reproduction is beneficial to U.S. demographic, economic, strategic and actuarial health and security.
 Say whaaaat, Crazy Fool?
"Robust childbearing and reproduction."
Because we do not in any way have an overpopulation problem. 
It's time to go out there and get knocked up, Ladies! Better yet, let's all go Octomom and child-bear as robustly as possible! 
I am not going to turn my vagina into a Clown Car to satisfy Michele Bachmann's insane fundie agenda.

* Commitment to downsizing government and the enormous burden upon American families of the USA?s $14.3 trillion public debt, its $77 trillion in unfunded liabilities, its $1.5 trillion federal deficit, and its $3.5 trillion federal budget.
 Okay, sounds like a plan. And while we're at it, how about we quit outsourcing all our manufacture and tech support to other countries? How about we also tax the wealthiest instead of taxing the middle class into poverty?

* Fierce defense of the First Amendment?s rights of Religious Liberty and Freedom of Speech22, especially against the intolerance of any who would undermine law-abiding American citizens and institutions of faith and conscience for their adherence to, and defense of, faithful heterosexual monogamy.
But should you happen to speak of the right of gay couples to marry, you are out of line!

Jeez...my head hurts. Fortunately I think this cretin is too much of a nut job to actually have a ghost of a chance to get elected. However, the fact that she's in office at all gives me pause. 

RT @tweetsmarter r/t HowTo Use Twitter Lists to Promote non-profits and Causes You Care About: http://bit.ly/d5yMjW

Check out Pectus – Hibernacja http://t.co/WnF0kXb via @lastfm

Check out Jay Delano – Close to You (Extended) http://t.co/mMce1rI via @lastfm

I usually don't watch reality shows but there is a certain train-wreck charm about Ice T and Coco, so I may well watch their show.

http://ping.fm/W9Zr4 Advice for young folks from an old fart (me.)

Writer's Block

With nursing certification, it ain't over when it's over! I still have to study for the NCLEX and this is taking up a great deal of my time. I have dreadful writer's block, which I find depressing. I'll start something but be unable to follow through. I really hope that this will reverse once I'm done with all this. Please, if you are a young person reading this, find a trade that is tolerable to you NOW, get certified in it, and then pursue your passion, if it is something other than your trade. Do a little something with it every day. Don't wait until you are in your forties like me. It will only be much harder if you do.

Love,

Aunt Rosie

Am I the only one who gives not a rat's ass about the "red carpet?"

http://ping.fm/907Tn My latest contribution to the group blog I take part in. Always fear I won't measure up.

A really big thanks to those people who said happy birthday to me back in February. I don't social network much, so didn't notice till now!

http://ping.fm/ApPSP Stop the vile sociopath Tinkebell from murdering animals.

http://ping.fm/cZvXf Let your voice be heard that this murdering monster should be stopped.

A thought on horror writers and death obsession

The artwork is by Dennis Dread. Please pay him a visit.

Originally a comment on this post at the Chaos Matriarch blog.

Consciousness can be a curse, I suppose. Humans are the only animals that are aware of their impending mortality. Today my son and I were discussing how in order to be a horror writer one has to be at least a bit obsessed with death. We discussed the reasons why some of our favorite writers might have become obsessed with the subject. For my own part I suppose it's initially born of fear of dying and wanting to basically take up a sword and duel with that fucker Death, make him give me a few answers about why he's such a bastard. The dichotomy is that because of the depressive cycle of my bipolar disorder I also struggle with suicide ideation a lot of the time. Conversely I try not to be a horribly negative person. Life is hard enough without people having to deal with some nay-saying gloombag always shooting down their hopes and aspirations.