Pain and Mental Illness

Steven wrote a poem about pain to go with his insightful painting. I wanted to share my response.

I live with chronic low-grade pain (which I almost spelled "pane.") What color would it be? Muted red, perhaps. On a good day, light pink. Like my mental illness, I'm used to it. Unlike my mental illness, there is never a question that I would get rid of the pain if I were able.

The mental illness has affected the way I think, and I have had it all my life. I sometimes think if it were taken away, I might not know how to deal with the world as a "normal" person. 

Just like some people who have been blind all their lives have trouble navigating the world if by some miracle their sight is restored. I am blind to what it is to be "normal."

I also wanted to respond to Adam's very kind post in which he mentioned my struggles.

I was initially discouraged by the asshattery of other people. Then I overcame that. Now I'm discouraged by the publishing process. It is NOT FUN! It is expensive and time-consuming. It probably doesn't help that I have obsessive-compulsive disorder. I hate being my own publicist. If you can't afford to have a team helping you promote your work, and you don't enjoy doing this sort of shit by yourself, woe betide you.

So, yeah, I don't know if I'll ever publish another book. I'm going to get the one I'm (still) working on out there, but that might be it. I don't expect to get a huge readership for it, not nearly enough to cover the expenses of getting it published. 

And that's currently where I stand.

 

 

 

What Dreams May Come--or Will They?

This is a response to a post by Elizabeth about how women often end up putting our dreams on hold for the sake of society/family/convention.

I have huge conflicts about these two things. My work is not my passion, it's a job. I feel guilty about feeling this way, because it's a helper job. I'm a nurse aide who just got her nursing certification and is studying for the NCLEX exam. And while I certainly don't mind helping my son achieve his very important goals by taking him to the community college (I study while he's there) I sometimes feel like I'm always putting my dreams on hold. My dreams are all impractical things, like creative writing and acting. I've always been a creative person but with years of struggling with a mental illness that wasn't diagnosed until I was almost 40, I haven't made much headway and at this point the struggle to get my work recognized seems more terrifying than exhilarating.

Here is another fine post by Elizabeth about complimenting a woman without bringing her looks into it. Good stuff!

Sinead O'Connor and Suicide Ideation

Sinead O'Connor expressed suicidal thoughts over her Twitter account but qualified that she did not actually intend to commit suicide. 

Suicide ideation is very common in people with mood disorders. It is necessary to discern between ideation and intent. If I were to go to the ER every time I had a suicidal thought, I'd have to set up a permanent home there. 

Some days are worse than others, but I would say that not a week goes by that I don't have suicide ideation to some degree. Planning only enters into it rarely.

I use a scale of 1-10 for the seriousness of the ideation and for the seriousness of the planning. Sometimes the ideation goes as high as 8. The planning rarely goes higher than a 2 or 3.

It is, thankfully, rare for me to self-injure at this point. I realize that during my life I made a lot of para-suicide attempts but only one actual full-on attempt, which wound me up very sick but nowhere near dead. I was actually lucky that I wasn't damaged. I swallowed the contents of a small bottle of Tylenol using facial cleaner to wash them down, then chugged a bottle of alcohol of some sort. Tylenol can actually damage the liver, so I was fortunate that I was okay.

However, just because most of the time my suicidal thoughts are ideation with very little planning doesn't mean that I am not at risk for attempting suicide. As things stand now, it's not very likely. But people with mood disorders already have a greater likelihood of attempting suicide than people who are not afflicted with such.

What can ya do? I'm not about to spend my entire life on a mental ward. That would surely make me want to off myself. So I'll keep on keeping on and live for the good times and for my loved ones.

It's quite probable that the only reason I'm alive is that I wouldn't want to screw over my son and the critters I've taken in.

As one of my therapists said, this ain't the Disneyland planet.

And as I replied, could we go to that planet next lifetime?

I can always hope.

Following your Bliss: Start Young!

This is a response to a post at BP-Hope about 9-5 being a bad fit for many people with bipolar. Boy is it ever! I'm still punching a time clock (blah!) but I'll never do 9-5 again!

I've been stuck doing things that I don't really want to do for my entire working life, but when I was doing clerical-type work during "normal" hours, it was the absolute worst! I became incredibly depressed. A lot of bad stuff went down during that time too. 

I would love to be able to make a career out of writing and/or editing, but currently I'm stuck in health care. I'm paying to self-publish my first novel. 

I wish I knew how to get out of health care, but barring a miracle I don't think it's going to happen. I don't have a supportive life partner and I don't have any savings. In this economy and at my age, it would be insane to quit my job.

Sex: Overrated and Overexposed in Our Society

With choices like this, being celibate isn't as hard as some people think

In our sex-obsessed, thinness-obsessed society, there is just one way other than not giving a shit about your weight to raise eyebrows and have everyone back away from you like you just announced that you have leprosy. Wanna know how? Just admit that you're celibate and you prefer it that way.

Now you're going to get two kinds of people. If you're a straight woman, you'll get well meaning and not so well meaning guys who want to be "the one" to talk you out of your celibacy. It won't matter if, like me, you're far from young, thin, and gorgeous. Said dudes will want to be so irresistable that you can't say no to their offer to end your celibacy because of their charms. Well, keep walking, guys. It is not going to happen here.

The second kind of person you'd get is the one who screams "ZOMGHOWCANYOUNOTWANTSEX????"

What they're saying is "I'm randy, I want to stick it to everything/let everything stick it to me. How can YOU not want that? Are you calling me a slut with your non-sexualness?"

Hey, it's your thing, do what you wanna do. But don't tell me who I should or shouldn't sock it to.

There are multiple reasons why I'm celibate, have been for the past twelve years, and choose to remain so for the rest of my life.

Initially it was not by choice. I'd just had so many bad experiences with men that I was completely discouraged about the whole process. 

Well, now that I've said "bad experiences with men" I'll get the lechers who like to imagine women getting it on with each other because they can't get a man, or other well-meaning types suggesting that I just haven't found my true calling yet. Wrong. I don't have a problem with women who are lesbians. But the idea of kissing another woman does nothing for me. I am attracted to men. Our sexual orientation is hard-wired. The idea of a straight person turning gay is as ridiculous as the idea that a gay person can "be reformed" and turn straight. Believe me, if I were going to "turn lesbian" the guys who I made the mistake of being with in the past would already have pushed me over the edge! 

Women who "turn lesbian" were either bisexual or homosexual in the first place.

Straight women do not "turn lesbian" when they give up the game with men. They become celibate.

So, the initial reason that I became celibate was because my man radar was set to "douchebag." It also turned out that my gay-dar was off, because the good guys I was interested in were invariably gay. There was still hope that somehow, somewhere, there was a decent man for me. Five years went by since my last (extremely stupid) relationship with a guy a number of years older than me whose emotions were turned to "arctic freeze" except when he needed a favor of some kind. I met a guy who wasn't pressuring me for sex, who was kind, who seemed to be everything I wanted. Turned out he was still married, his marriage was on the rocks, and while he never pressured me to meet his sexual needs, he was using me to meet his emotional needs. I thought there was really something there and I was disgusted. I think that's the point when I was really, really done.

I realized not long after that I was a lot happier not playing the game. I was always miserable when I had a man in my life. My emotional problems lead me to becoming attached too quickly to anyone who shows any sign of interest even if there are red flags with the word DOUCHEBAG in neon surrounding the dude. Once in a relationship, said emotional and mental problems lead me to become obsessed and paranoid. What is HE doing? Is HE cheating on me? (Probably--he's a douchebag.) How can I live without HIM if he dumps me? Why hasn't HE called me? Ye gods, what a waste of time and energy! 

And if the dude isn't a douchebag? He's invariably a little boy in a man's body, wanting me to be "mommy" to him. Sorry, I have a kid already. I don't need to adopt another one. Much of the time my emotional problems lead me to be unable to meet the needs of others. My marriage failed because of this. The grown-up child became jealous and angry when I started spending time on the actual child that I'd just given birth to. I'm actually not saying anything bad about my ex-husband, only pointing out that emotionally we were both very immature. Once children enter into the picture, such a union is doomed.

My mental state leads me to at times be very needy and at other times be very withdrawn. In the past I've clung to whatever came to me. NOT HEALTHY! 

In other words, I don't "do relationships" well. Best not to have them.

I also don't "do" casual sex well. I don't enjoy the detachment. If I'm going to make myself that vulnerable, there would have to be a lot of trust. There never has been. Never will be. You can't talk yourself into trust. I've got a million reasons for not trusting. People tend to get upset about this. My trust issues are not conducive to a romantic relationship. I actually can't even have close friendships because of this. That bothers me a lot more than the inability to have a romantic relationship.

Now, as to the physical reasons why I don't want sex--yes, I haz 'em!

The problems with my body make it so that sex is actually uncomfortable for me. 

I have problems with my spine. My lower back is pretty messed up. I can function on a daily basis but many things are harder than they should be. My lower body is a pretty uncomfortable place a lot of the time. 

My genitourinary system is also messed up. I have fairly severe urinary incontinence. This may be in part due to my spinal problems. It may be in part due to damage to my bladder that happened during my cesarean section. I had a lot of bladder spasms following that incident. It may be in part due to scarring following several severe urinary tract infections. It may be partly caused by endometriosis causing areas of pressure on my bladder. With endometriosis, parts of the endometrium grow on the outside of the uterus. These areas can become large enough to put pressure on the bladder. It may alleviate once I've gone through menopause and the areas shrink. I can always hope. And it may be in part idiopathic stress incontinence. Put it all together and you've got a rather uncomfortable situation in the lady parts. NOT FUN and not conducive to sexual pleasure. 

Oh yeah, and any guy that is turned on by getting peed on during sex? NOT someone I want to have sex with!

The only way such a situation could ever work would be for me to be with someone that I'd been with for years whom I trusted completely and who loved me enough that the urine leakage didn't bother him. Yeah...not happening in this lifetime.

At this point I'm also pretty much asexual anyway. I am genuinely celibate by choice. Given my druthers between having sex and doing something else--writing, reading a book, going for a walk, turning my mind to mush in front of the TV, eating--I'll choose anything but sex every time. Don't need it, don't want it. 

For whatever reason, some of us are just wired that way, and it's rude of people to try and convince us how wrong we are.

I'm a person, not a conquest. I'm something of a pariah, but I have my reasons for being the way I am.

We should learn to respect one another's sexual preferences--including asexuality.

Would you have children knowing that you have a mental illness?

This was a response to a post at the Manic Depressive Talk blog by a woman who has chosen not to have kids and catches a lot of shit for her decision. The decision to have children is a very personal thing. Other people need to BUTT OUT!

I had my son when I was 25. I was not diagnosed until I was 38, with type II bipolar. I am very glad that I had my son but sad that he has inherited the gene for mood disorders, although thus far his seems to be unipolar depression. I would never have another child knowing what I know now. My son says that he will never have children.

I'm Bipolar 2. What are You?

I have bipolar 2 and rapid cycle. I tend more towards depression. It's gotten worse since entering the perimenopausal phase of life. Also, my father dying six weeks ago has worsened my depression.

My cycles generally tend to be a week to ten days of severe depression (often coinciding with the onset of my period) a week to ten days of normal (although somewhat dysthymic) and perhaps a week of hypomania.

If I could bottle the hypomania, I'd be the most productive person in the world!

Why, Why, Why? Well...

This was my response to a post on a bipolar awareness blog regarding the Arizona shooter and the assertion that he was obviously mentally ill but nobody addressed his issues until it was too late.

Nonviolent mentally ill persons tend to fall through the cracks as well. The cost of getting mental health care in this country is prohibitive. Mental illness still tends to be seen as not a serious issue, even by health care professionals. The person who comes into the emergency room with a mental health crisis is often treated as if she or he is taking time away from the more seriously ill patients.  When people commit suicide, for instance, so many ask why, why, why, but there is often nowhere for a person to go get help. 

I know of a young man who cut his arms severely and was taken to the hospital. He was stitched up and sent off. He committed suicide a couple of years after this incident.

Also, with remarks such as "these cutters ought to save everyone the trouble and just finish the job" spoken by health care professionals, is it any wonder that people are reluctant to seek help?

Until mental illness is seen as the genuine health issue that it is and compassionate, affordable care is made available, we will continue to have such tragedies and people will continue to ask why, why, why?

Wings of Funeral

This is a song from the first band featuring the troubled young gent who inspired the creation of Lily Strange's original book. Today is the anniversary of his birth, forty-two years ago. The underground heavy metal band Morbid also featured guitar virtuoso Uffe Cederlund (Entombed) bassist Jens Nässtrom, and drummer Lars-Göran Petrov (Entombed)

I'm always leery of watching You Tube videos featuring Per Ohlin (Dead) because some jackwagon invariably thinks that it's the "cool" thing to do to include that damn suicide photo. It is not "cool." It's disrespectful of the suffering that this individual endured in his brief and rather unhappy life. It's disrespectful of his surviving siblings. Anyone with half a brain cell knows these things. There are, apparently, a lot of people lacking even half a brain cell. 

If I have to continue being the uncool old broad that hammers this point home for the remainder of my life, so be it. I did not know the man, but I do know the pain of mental illness, both my own and that of many others. This guy deserved better than this psychic rape involving the exploitation of his sad final moments on Earth. So knock it the fuck off.

Respects in honor of the 42d anniversary of his birth.