Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Sex: Overrated and Overexposed in Our Society

With choices like this, being celibate isn't as hard as some people think

In our sex-obsessed, thinness-obsessed society, there is just one way other than not giving a shit about your weight to raise eyebrows and have everyone back away from you like you just announced that you have leprosy. Wanna know how? Just admit that you're celibate and you prefer it that way.
Now you're going to get two kinds of people. If you're a straight woman, you'll get well meaning and not so well meaning guys who want to be "the one" to talk you out of your celibacy. It won't matter if, like me, you're far from young, thin, and gorgeous. Said dudes will want to be so irresistable that you can't say no to their offer to end your celibacy because of their charms. Well, keep walking, guys. It is not going to happen here.
The second kind of person you'd get is the one who screams "ZOMGHOWCANYOUNOTWANTSEX????"
What they're saying is "I'm randy, I want to stick it to everything/let everything stick it to me. How can YOU not want that? Are you calling me a slut with your non-sexualness?"
Hey, it's your thing, do what you wanna do. But don't tell me who I should or shouldn't sock it to.
There are multiple reasons why I'm celibate, have been for the past twelve years, and choose to remain so for the rest of my life.
Initially it was not by choice. I'd just had so many bad experiences with men that I was completely discouraged about the whole process. 
Well, now that I've said "bad experiences with men" I'll get the lechers who like to imagine women getting it on with each other because they can't get a man, or other well-meaning types suggesting that I just haven't found my true calling yet. Wrong. I don't have a problem with women who are lesbians. But the idea of kissing another woman does nothing for me. I am attracted to men. Our sexual orientation is hard-wired. The idea of a straight person turning gay is as ridiculous as the idea that a gay person can "be reformed" and turn straight. Believe me, if I were going to "turn lesbian" the guys who I made the mistake of being with in the past would already have pushed me over the edge! 
Women who "turn lesbian" were either bisexual or homosexual in the first place.
Straight women do not "turn lesbian" when they give up the game with men. They become celibate.
So, the initial reason that I became celibate was because my man radar was set to "douchebag." It also turned out that my gay-dar was off, because the good guys I was interested in were invariably gay. There was still hope that somehow, somewhere, there was a decent man for me. Five years went by since my last (extremely stupid) relationship with a guy a number of years older than me whose emotions were turned to "arctic freeze" except when he needed a favor of some kind. I met a guy who wasn't pressuring me for sex, who was kind, who seemed to be everything I wanted. Turned out he was still married, his marriage was on the rocks, and while he never pressured me to meet his sexual needs, he was using me to meet his emotional needs. I thought there was really something there and I was disgusted. I think that's the point when I was really, really done.
I realized not long after that I was a lot happier not playing the game. I was always miserable when I had a man in my life. My emotional problems lead me to becoming attached too quickly to anyone who shows any sign of interest even if there are red flags with the word DOUCHEBAG in neon surrounding the dude. Once in a relationship, said emotional and mental problems lead me to become obsessed and paranoid. What is HE doing? Is HE cheating on me? (Probably--he's a douchebag.) How can I live without HIM if he dumps me? Why hasn't HE called me? Ye gods, what a waste of time and energy! 
And if the dude isn't a douchebag? He's invariably a little boy in a man's body, wanting me to be "mommy" to him. Sorry, I have a kid already. I don't need to adopt another one. Much of the time my emotional problems lead me to be unable to meet the needs of others. My marriage failed because of this. The grown-up child became jealous and angry when I started spending time on the actual child that I'd just given birth to. I'm actually not saying anything bad about my ex-husband, only pointing out that emotionally we were both very immature. Once children enter into the picture, such a union is doomed.
My mental state leads me to at times be very needy and at other times be very withdrawn. In the past I've clung to whatever came to me. NOT HEALTHY! 
In other words, I don't "do relationships" well. Best not to have them.
I also don't "do" casual sex well. I don't enjoy the detachment. If I'm going to make myself that vulnerable, there would have to be a lot of trust. There never has been. Never will be. You can't talk yourself into trust. I've got a million reasons for not trusting. People tend to get upset about this. My trust issues are not conducive to a romantic relationship. I actually can't even have close friendships because of this. That bothers me a lot more than the inability to have a romantic relationship.
Now, as to the physical reasons why I don't want sex--yes, I haz 'em!
The problems with my body make it so that sex is actually uncomfortable for me. 
I have problems with my spine. My lower back is pretty messed up. I can function on a daily basis but many things are harder than they should be. My lower body is a pretty uncomfortable place a lot of the time. 
My genitourinary system is also messed up. I have fairly severe urinary incontinence. This may be in part due to my spinal problems. It may be in part due to damage to my bladder that happened during my cesarean section. I had a lot of bladder spasms following that incident. It may be in part due to scarring following several severe urinary tract infections. It may be partly caused by endometriosis causing areas of pressure on my bladder. With endometriosis, parts of the endometrium grow on the outside of the uterus. These areas can become large enough to put pressure on the bladder. It may alleviate once I've gone through menopause and the areas shrink. I can always hope. And it may be in part idiopathic stress incontinence. Put it all together and you've got a rather uncomfortable situation in the lady parts. NOT FUN and not conducive to sexual pleasure. 
Oh yeah, and any guy that is turned on by getting peed on during sex? NOT someone I want to have sex with!
The only way such a situation could ever work would be for me to be with someone that I'd been with for years whom I trusted completely and who loved me enough that the urine leakage didn't bother him. Yeah...not happening in this lifetime.
At this point I'm also pretty much asexual anyway. I am genuinely celibate by choice. Given my druthers between having sex and doing something else--writing, reading a book, going for a walk, turning my mind to mush in front of the TV, eating--I'll choose anything but sex every time. Don't need it, don't want it. 
For whatever reason, some of us are just wired that way, and it's rude of people to try and convince us how wrong we are.
I'm a person, not a conquest. I'm something of a pariah, but I have my reasons for being the way I am.
We should learn to respect one another's sexual preferences--including asexuality.